Halloween and I’m all dressed up ready to go. Halloween, covered in make-up from head to toe. Halloween, I’m gonna get more candy than you. Halloween, 'cause I’m dressed up like a ghost yelling, “boo!” Halloween, all that candy will be mine! Halloween, who cares if I’m thirty-nine?

Nobody likes to write songs about Halloween I think that Monster Mash is the only one we ever sing. It isn’t fair that for Christmas we sing song after song. But when Halloween rolls around, singing is somehow wrong. I think it’s time we had more than “trick-or-treat, smell my feet” Even though that is a brilliant way to get you something to eat. So here’s the new Halloween song you can sing every year To get into the spirit and spread all that Halloween cheer. Halloween, it’s time to prepare Get your masks on, get ready to scare. Halloween, be what you wanna be Just remember, it’s not cool to T-P. Now when you trick-or-treat, you can dance in the streets Cause I got a brand new song with a pretty sweet beat. Goin’ door-to-door, always beggin’ for more If you put on lots of gore you’ll get candy for sure. You can be a ghost, a goblin or a giant fly, A princess of a fairy even if you’re a guy. Just as long as you’re having fun having a fright, There’s really nothing quite like a Halloween night. Halloween, oh man I’m so scared. I think I might need, a change of underwear. Halloween, there’s no ifs ands or buts That all the girls…will be dressed up like sluts Halloween but don’t forget that the guys Will still be douchebags, only in disguise. Halloween, this night is so much fun. Sorry to tell you, but this song is now done.

I’m just a pumpkin in a pumpkin patch I’ve got a big orange body and a little brown hat. And I’m surrounded by all my pumpkin friends And my pumpkin friends tell me we’ll be friends ‘til the end. Life couldn’t be better, pumpkin life is great. Oh look, someone’s picked me up and taken me out the gate. I’m in a car with a man and his wife and a boy With my pumpkin friend beside me, both of us filled with joy. Well now we’re in our new home this new life should be grand. This house is really huge, let’s give this family a hand. We’re sitting on the table then my pumpkin friend said, “Why the hell do I have this giant knife in my head?” So I turn and look and sure enough my friend has been stabbed. And the knife it keeps on going deeper with every jab. Then when they finish scalping him the gut his insides Where the hell am I?! This is pumpkin genocide. Pumpkin genocide. You don’t realize, that every year we cry A tear of pumpkin pain. As you slowly scoop out our pumpkin brains. So my friend gets mutilated right in front of my face. Then the boy he picks me up and puts me in a new place. He says, “If you believe in God then you better pray, ‘Cause this is your mother f**king judgment day!” So I cried and pleaded with him but it was no use. He cut the top of my head until it became loose. And he gutted me and carved a stupid face on my side. Now I’m a victim of pumpkin genocide. When he took out all my seeds he just threw them away. He didn’t bake them or save them for another day. And he stuck a candle in me and just let the thing burn. It burned so intensely that my stomach it turned. Or at least it would have turned if it was still in me. But it was removed with my heart and my spleen. And now I’m in a dumpster, depleted and old. Covered in black and white and stinky old mold. (This is) Pumpkin genocide. You don’t realize, that every year we cry A tear of pumpkin pain. As you slowly scoop out our pumpkin brains. You don't realize. Every year we cry.

October thirty-first Just went trick or treating. Went to every house twice And you might call that cheating (but you would be wrong) ‘Cause that’s not what I call it. I call it being smart. Because I have twice As many Sweet Tarts (as I would have had) So I eat up my candy For breakfast and lunch. Butterfingers and Smartees Snickers and Crunch (bars and so much more) And they’re so delicious. But I don’t brush my teeth. So I don’t see the tartar Building up beneath (my tongue and my gums) But speaking of gum I’ve got plenty to chew. I blow lots of bubbles. And I pop them on you. But now my breath really stinks. And my gums start to bleed. And my teeth start to fall out. I think that I need (to see a dentist) But the dentist can’t help me. ‘Cause my teeth are all gone. I just can’t understand this. Where did I go wrong? But now I’ve learned my lesson. And there’s no time to waste. Next year on Halloween I want floss and toothpaste.